An Australian Mozzie's Guide to Gorging

AN AUSTRALIAN MOZZIE'S GUIDE TO GORGING

Section B, Camper Vans

Locate any and all entrances into vehicle. Check the edges of flyscreens, as these often come undone during the many bumps these crazy humans encounter along the road. Hide within the curtains which they draw at night for 'privacy' to escape their extraordinary hand-eye coordination.

When they are asleep (also known as temporary death— recognized by slowed breathing, absolute quiet, and odd mumbling sounds that sound like 'talking'), slip out of the curtains. Bite most fleshy parts— calves of legs, thighs (unfortunately often covered), underarms, neck, and cheeks. Hide in curtains again until day, when they open the Door. Slip out as unnoticed as possible. Make sure you are not discovered when they pull the curtains!

REMEMBER: All humans are highly territorial creatures. They WILL KILL if they discover a mozzie, often relentlessly. HUMANS DO NOT FORGET YOU ARE THERE!

We entered a Britz Camper today. There are five humans, ranging from mid-forties to late adolescence to 'tween.' They seem to be a family that, like many humans, travels for fun. We hid in the curtains and waited for them to fall asleep.

One of the females, the middle-aged one, is a finicky sleeper. This sort of human is a pain. I'm starving, and all she can think about is 'drafts,' comfort of sleeping area… you'll be TEMPORARILY DEAD in 15 minutes! It doesn't matter!

Humans, of course, don't understand this. They have to be 'comfortable.' She moved herself and the middle-aged male around until the middle-aged man 'lost his temper,' as humans say, and whispered a lot of words to her.

Midway to sleep for most of the inhabitants of the camper van, the middle-aged female said to the tween: "Do you want a towel to stop the wind from getting to you?"

(Air conditioner, used for regulating humans' temperature. Highly annoying device. Remember to avoid at all costs.)

"What wind?" said the tween.

"From the airconditioner." (HATED WORD!)

"I don't feel any wind."

Note: Towel is a human word denoting a large, fuzzy cloth humans use to dry themselves after wetting themselves. The wetting seems to be pointless, but may be a recreational activity, as many humans sing and dance while in the small cubicle they call a shower.

Somehow, all the humans fell asleep in record time. We moved in. Marjorie the record keeper told me we bit about thirty times. A RECORD! Captain Katherine moved us all back to the curtains at dawn.

The humans woke up. Some of us darted higher up as they moved about.

Most of us were killed as they awoke. They don't seem to open the Door until all of our number are killed!

The late adolescent cornered two of our comrades in the bathroom. The middle-aged female took out at least fifteen of us in record time. The middle-aged male, the tween, and the adolescent female express no desire for murder. They are an anomaly.

I'm hiding at the top of the van… waiting for them to open the Door. There was a gap when the middle-aged female swept, but they'd doused it with repellent, and I can't breathe through it.

I can feel myself asphyxiating… the smell of the repellent is making me dizzy…

I leave these notes on the GUIDE in hopes that other troops will know of our bravery on the night of May 3^rd… and not assume safety merely from the fact that one of the flyscreens is faulty.

GOOD LUCK, those of you who venture here!

Note: Mozzie, mosquito.